I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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