My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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