I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
