Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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