I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
