I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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