clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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