I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
