ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
