I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
