Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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