babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
