Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
