she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
