My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
cat food counts as protein by the way
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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