Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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