You can't special order awesome
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How does one acquire holy water?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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