Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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