Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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