come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
