i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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