Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it because I queefed?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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