Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
