so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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