Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
