I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
