Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
