Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
