Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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