OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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