3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
