I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
