ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
