I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
