Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
