dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
