The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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