she woke up with a sticky ear
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
