how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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