I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
