Will you blow on my dice?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
