btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
