this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize