God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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