these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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