I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
