anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
