Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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