its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
