There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
