No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
