So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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