if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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