i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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