I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
