forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
