All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
