Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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