11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
