Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
