I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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